12 days of Christmas
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "partridge in a pear tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Miss Agnes McHolstein
Dec. 15, 1986
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.
All my love,
Dec. 16, 1986
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Dec. 17, 1986
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Dec. 18, 1986
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Dec. 19, 1986
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but...please stop!
Dec. 20, 1986
What's with you and those f#@! birds?? Today I received "seven swans a swimming". What kind of a joke is this? These birds crapped all over the house and they never stop with that racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. Knock it off, OK?
Dec. 21, 1986
I think I prefer the birds to this torture. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids a milking"? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids to feed, but they had to bring their damn cows! There is manure all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart-guy!
Dec. 22, 1986
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and lord do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these tramps "ladies". They've been up messing with the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the bloody racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure! The Commisioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I'm sticking the police on you, pal!
One who means it!
Dec. 24, 1986
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies? Some of these poor women may never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, and are starting to eye the cows. All 23 birds are dead...they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious jerk.
Lay the hell off.
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
December 26, 1986
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office. I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happydale Private Hospital, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight for the sake of our client's mental stability. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
J. Frank Cahole
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