Powerful Women's Motto

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

---

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot
tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and asked 'What are ye
sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'



Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doing well... only
two left!'
 

 

---

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
 

 

---

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."





 

---

Making a Baby

 

There is not one dirty word in it, and I think you'll laugh. Go on .

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later , just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch , and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the l iving room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

---

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

 

 

---

Granny & The Biker!

 

 

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

 

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

 

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

 

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

 

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

 

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

 

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

---

 

Paddy Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!  Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to Paddy:

Paddy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  Paddy said: "Shingles."  So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Paddy what he had.

Paddy said, "Shingles."  So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history  and told Paddy to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Paddy what he had. Paddy said, "Shingles."  So the nurse gave Paddy a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Paddy to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Paddy sitting patiently in the nude and asked Paddy what he had.  Paddy said, "Shingles."  The doctor asked, "Where?"

Paddy said, "Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

---

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary bought a low cut blouse

She loved  it to bits

And everywhere that Mary went

The boys could see her tits

Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
 

But she didn't wear it that one often.

---

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"
So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"

 

When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.

---

A man donates blood to his wife after shes hurt badly in a car crash.
Months later they go thru a nasty divorce and he demands his blood back.
She throws a used tampax in his face and says

"there you go you bastard! I'll pay you monthly".

 

 

---

 

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.

 During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

 "It's the minister, Mommy,"

 the child said to her mother.

 Then she added,

 "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.

 She's hitting the bottle."

---

No Sex Since 1955

 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,

one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?'

Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said ,

 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said,

'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.

You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now

---

 

The Buttocks


        A married couple was in a terrible accident where the



            Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the



            Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body



             Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate



             Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body



             That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come



              from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they



             would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they



           requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After



             All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was



            completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.



             He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his



            Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful



            Beauty!  One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was



            overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,



             I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.



            How can I possibly repay you?'



            'My darling,' she replied,



            'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother



             kiss you on the cheek.'
 

---

 

Eve's Side Of The Story

 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the story about the rib?

---

This is a fool proof Best Friend Test.
If you don't believe it, just try this…



Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.


When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

---

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond. The puzzled
blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless,

the blond continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes,
not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked




'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

---

Don't Complain

 

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent convent.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard Bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the convent,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but complain since you got here.’

---

The commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
 Commandment 2.   If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
 

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating.

 In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

 In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

 After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married.

 After that, he is finished..

---

This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy



A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.



When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.



'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'



'What?' said his grandpa.



'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland !!

---

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break

in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 One said to the other,

 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,

 put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,

a curious Irishman walked to the window,

had a peek, and asked 'What are ye sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically,

 'We're selling ass-holes.

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

 'You're doing well... only two left!'

---

A Fishy Story

 

Men never learn

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans ,

 with a box of frozen crabs.

 A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did. 

 The man firmly ranted & raved that he was

holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen,

 and proceeded to threaten about what would happen

 if she let the crabs thaw  out.
Shortly before landing in New York ,

 she announced over the intercom to the
entire cabin,

 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans,
please raise his hand and come forward?' 

 Not one hand went up, nobody moved
...

so she took them home and ate them herself.



Men never learn.

---

 

 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..

.'Damn!' says the little old lady ...

 'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!

''Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?

 Did you steal it?''Oh, no', says the little old lady.

'You see, my yard backs up to the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course.

A lot of golfers come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,

and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes,

I yell: '$20 or off it comes!'' 'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop.

'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'

---

 

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.  Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because  He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

 

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

---

Do you know that

When a woman wears a black leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally..

Ever wonder why?

 

 

 

 

Because she smells like a

New Golf Bag

 

 

---

 

The cowboy and the lesbian

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

---

 

 

The Hotel Bill  

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:

 

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Vancouver to Winnipeg .

 After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue

 and decide to take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours

and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later,

 the desk Clerk; hands them a bill for €350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

 He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly

 aren't worth €350.00  When the clerk tells him €350.00 is the standard rate,

 the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the

 hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were

 available for the husband and wife to use.

 

  'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

 

He goes on to explain they could also have taken in one of the shows

for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood ,

 and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

  

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,  

'But we didn't use it!'  

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.  

He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  

 

'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for €50.00.'  

 

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you €300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

  'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.  

 

'Well, too bad,' the man replies.

 

'She was here and you could have.'

---

 

 

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

 

---

 

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

 

---

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

 She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,

'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

 

---

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible,

 but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

 

---

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

 

---

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said,

'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?'

 I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

 

---

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.

So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry

 because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
 

(I work with professionals like this.)

---

 

 

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

 He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him

if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding.

'Just cut it into 4 pieces;

 I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

 

Sadly, not only do they walk among us,

they also reproduce !!!!

---

 

A large obese man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, she whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," she said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of the manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony", Sam replied

---

 

A United States Marine was attending college
Between assignments. He had completed
Missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One day a professor shocked the class. When he came in, he
Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you
Are real, then I want you to knock me off this
Platform. I'll give you exactly 5 minutes.' The
Room was silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Three minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'
The Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-thingyed him; knocking him off the platform. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were somewhat stunned and sat, looking on.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken,
Looked at the Marine and asked, 'What's the
Matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God is too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

---

A COLLECTION of some of the funniest things to be written by young students in school tests.

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Define H2O and CO2. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 oppossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

To prevent head colds, use an agoniser to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to thingy.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only €1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "€90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of €900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

 

 

---

 

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with you ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied

 

 

 

 

 

---

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower,

rub your chest and say,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'



She did this faithfully for several months and she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late,

got on the bus,

and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,

she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'



A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked

'Oh, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'



'Yes I am.. how did you know?'

 

 

 

He winked and whispered,

 

'Hickory dickory dock...'
 

---

 

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
-
-
-
-

'Winnie the SH*T'

 

---

 

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with
a box of crabs. A female crew member took the
box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen,
and proceeded to rant and rave about what would
happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced
over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise his hand?'

Not one hand went up.

 

---

before marriage...

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage...just read from bottom to top..

---

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class
by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny
stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
---------------------
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
---------------------
---------------------
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved
from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.'
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mom ..'
---------------------

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where
they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
.

 

---

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, doctor? What’s wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what’s that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

 

---

TWO OLD INDIAN MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE
TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE
LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
INDIANS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
"GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE
TWO OLD INDIAN MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.


AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND,
"WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND
ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS,
"COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH,
WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER,
KISSING HER ON THE NECK
AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE FARTED
AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

---

---

 

Husbands And Wives

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking.

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor.
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes,I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

 

 

Training Courses Now Available For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge.

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding.

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levi's to the Goodwill.

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts.

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware.

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut.

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television.

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote.

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why That Makes Women Laugh.

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them.

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time.

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

 

 

 

Women's Wisdom for 2004

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

A fool and her money are soon courted.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A good many women are good tempered simply because it saves the wrinkles coming too soon.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

A man’s got to do what a man’s go to do; a woman must do what he can’t.

A man has to be called Attila The Hun to be called ruthless; all a woman has to do is put you on hold.

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

A man’s home may seem to be his castle on the outside; on the inside, it’s more often his nursery.

A sense of humour does not mean you tell him joe-ks; it means you laugh at his.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend; a successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A successful parent is one who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for her or his own psychoanalysis.

A woman can look both moral and exciting – if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle.

A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.

A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

A woman past forty should make up her mind to be young, not her face.

A woman who will tell her age will tell anything.

A woman’s place is in the House and in the Senate.

A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes everybody sick.

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have… the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

As you climb the ladder of success, don’t let the boys look up your dress.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.

Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he will fall asleep before you have finished saying it.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Behind every successful woman is a basket of dirty laundry.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

Boys will be boys, but girls will be women.

Brevity – the soul of lingerie.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The cock may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the eggs.

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.

Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

The difference between government bonds and men is that government bonds mature.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end. Be afraid that it will never begin.

Don’t be humble – you’re not that great.

Don’t get your knickers in a knot; nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

Don’t let ol’ folks tell you about the good ol’ days. I was there. Where was they at?

The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties.

The English think of an opinion as something which a decent person, if he has the misfortune to have one, does all he can to hide.

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

God will protect us, but to make sure, carry a heavy club.

Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

He talked and talked because he didn’t know what to say.

He who laughs, lasts.

How could I possibly overthrow the government when I can’t even keep my dog down?

Husbands are awkward things to deal with… even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.

I believe in loyalty: when a woman reaches a certain age she likes, she should stick with it.

I buried a lot of ironing in the backyard.

I can sometimes deal with men as equals and therefore can afford to like them.

I can’t mate in captivity.

I do not refer to myself as a ‘housewife’ for the reason that I did not marry a house.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

I don’t have the time every day to put on makeup – I need that time to clean my rifle.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I go for two kinds of men: the kind with muscles, and the kind without.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

I have often relied on the blindness of strangers.

I like men to behave like men – strong and childish.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

I love the male body – it’s better designed than the male mind.

I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door. Joan Crawford

I never know how much of what I say is true.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs - I think of them as stray eyebrows.

I rely on my personality for birth control.

I require 3 things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

I think being a woman is like being Irish… everyone says you’re important and nice but you take second place all the time.

I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

I think, therefore I’m single.

I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don’t want to do them.

I want to find myself before somebody bigger does.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

The idea of strictly minding our own business is rubbish – who could be so selfish?

I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.

If I had learned to type, I never would have made brigadier general.

If it wasn’t for women, men would still be hanging from trees.

If men run the world, why do they wear neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they put all of them there?

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us we’d be millionaires.

If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.

If you don’t act as if your name were on the door, it never will be.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I’m a marvelous housekeeper – every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

I’m extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.

I’m furious about Women’s Libbers. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That’s true, but it should be kept very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

I’m having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife.

I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body.

I’m like old wine… they don’t bring me out very often, but I’m well preserved.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde joe-ks because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. Dolly Parton

I’m the foe of moderation, the champion of excess… I’d rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep – what’s deep  enough? What do you want – an adorable pancreas?

It’s interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions (the Church and the Law Court), the men are wearing the dresses.

The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life; If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.

In love with her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

In times of great stress, such as a four-day vacation, the thin veneer of family unity wears off almost at once, and we are revealed in our true personalities.

Instant gratification takes too long.

Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?

It’s a man’s world, and you men can have it.

It’s like magic… when you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.

It’s not easy being a mother… if it were easy, fathers would do it.

It’s not how old you are, but how you are old.

It’s not the having, it’s the getting.

It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s one damn thing over and over.

It’s the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 876 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.

I’ve often wished I’d had time to cultivate modesty… but I’m too busy thinking about myself.

Just being in a room with myself is almost more stimulation than I can bear.

Just remember – we’re all in this alone.

Lead me not into temptation… I can find the way myself.

Life is easier than you think… all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

Life’s a rash, and then there’s death and the itching’s over.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Toronto.

Love is a fire… you can never tell whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house.

Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Macho does not prove mucho.

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

Marriage: the beginning and the end are wonderful… but the middle part is hell.

Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of a bargain.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution…

Marriage is the only thing that affords a woman the pleasure of company and the prefect sensation of solitude at the same time.

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.

Meeting: A place where you take minutes but waste lots of hours.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

Men are creatures with eight hands.

Men are not opposed to women working, just against their being paid for it.

Men weren’t really the enemy – they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Money isn’t everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.

Moses dragged us for 40 years through the desert to bring us to the one place in the Middle East where there was no oil.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where she is.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child… we can’t decide whether to ruin the carpet or ruin our lives.

My husband and I have figured out a really god system about the housework: neither one of us does it.

My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.

My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, “Just wait.”

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room; a cook in the kitchen; and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip – there’s no end to the game.

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Canadians. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then… we elected them.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.

Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men… some are married.

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

Old age is life’s parody.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm… once you are aboard there is nothing you can do.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

One reason I don’t drink is I want to know when I’m having a good time.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

The opposite of talking isn’t listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.

People who are always making allowances for themselves soon go bankrupt.

People would have more leisure time if it weren’t for all the leisure-time activities that use it up.

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns how to be amused rather than shocked.

Personally, I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married.

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.

Powerful men often succeed through the help of their wives. Powerful women only succeed in spite of their husbands.

The real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a 5-year-old.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Salary is no object… I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.

Science may carry us to Mars, but it will leave the earth populated as ever by the inept.

Self-esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there’s nothing without it.

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

She didn’t know it couldn’t be done so she went ahead and did it.

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.

Some minds remain open long enough for the truth not only to enter but to pass on through by way of a ready exit without pausing anywhere along the route.

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Speak up for yourself, or you’ll end up a rug.

Success didn’t spoil me – I’ve always been insufferable.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to buy them a drink.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The surest way to be alone is to get married.

There are far too many men in politics and not enough elsewhere.

There are no old people nowadays – they are either “wonderful for their age” or dead.

There are three ways to get something done: (1) do it yourself; (2) employ someone; or (3) forbid your children to do it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is so little difference between husbands, you might as well keep the first.

They say getting thin is the best revenge… Success is much better.

They say women talk too much. If you have worked with politicians you know that the filibuster was invented by men.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly… it should be thrown with great force.

To be satisfied with little is hard; to be satisfied with a lot, impossible.

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

The tombstone is the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

The trouble with most English women is that they will dress as if they had been a mouse in a previous incarnation.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.

Trust your husband – adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your name.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t hear you until you scream.

Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.

Violet will be a good colour for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good colour for flowers.

We had a lot in common – I loved him and he loved him.

We thought we were running away from the grown-ups, and now we are the grown-ups.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.

What you think is the heart may well be another organ.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good… luckily, this is not difficult.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

When faced with a decision, I always ask, “What would be the most fun?”

When fate’s got it in for you, there’s no limit to what you may have to put up with.

When he’s late for dinner, I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope it’s the street.

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping; Men invade another country.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

When you have no problems, you’re dead.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

Whenever one of us falls in love, our friends watch as they would the progress of a disease.

Whenever you see food beautifully arranged on a plate, you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.

While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster.

Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Who ever thought up the word mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and mail it to someone.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy – the mother.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

Women and elephants never forget.

Women are in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines – they don’t think we can fight. I think we can – all the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

Women who aspire to be as good as men lack ambition.

 

---

 

 

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on the leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says....

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep.....not a cow."

The guy replies, "...If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd

 

realize I was talking to the sheep."

---

 

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST.....

 

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate.  Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feeling and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and she said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Low...And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.'

 

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car !!!!! 

---

 

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

 The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

 but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talking abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'


I bet you're gonna read this again!

 

---

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border
checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and declares: "It is illegal to put

five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons."
You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means
four.You have five people in your car and you are therefore
breaking the law."
You idiot!" the Englishmen replies angrily. "Call your supervisor
over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat
Uno."

 

---

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange,

 so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Last month, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

 Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady yelled back, 'Yeh, Fluc you people, too!'

 

 

 

---

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

 I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle",

I said. "What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.

" I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

 

 

---

You all know little Johnny!* It's near the Christmas break of the
 

school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really
 

nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides
 

to  have an early dismissal.
 
 Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

 Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
 
 Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
 
 Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
 
 Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
 Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
 
 Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
 
 Johnny is even madder than before.
 
 Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 
 Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
 
 Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
 

questions.
 
 When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would
 

Just keep their mouths shut!"

 The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
 

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

---

 

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs .

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
Together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

 

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

---

 

 

An old Italian man is dying. 

He calls his grandson to his bedside..

" Guido, I wan' you lissina me.

I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.

How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" 

"You lissina me, boy.

Somma day you gonna be runna da business,

 you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,

a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos " 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... 

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say,

 

'Time's Up'?"

---

 

HELGA'S DIARY ON A   CRUISE SHIP

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.  Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.  Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honoured and had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive.

----------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 

Won $800.00 in  the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.  Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today.  Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming.  Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined.  He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.  I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today, I saved 1600 lives.

Twice .

---

 

 

 

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister
, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

 

---

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

---

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and......OH, MY GOD !

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. Ladies and  gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........!! you should see the back of mine!!!'

---

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto.

 The poor lady was not very proficient in English,

 but did manage to communicate with her husband.

 The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

 

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

 She didn't know how to put forward her request, so,

in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

 

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it,

 so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this,

 she brought her husband to the store...

 

(Please scroll down.)

 

What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to work.

I worry about you
sometimes!

---

 

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was

checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used

car.

 He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they

trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?'

 

'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...

so we're just waiting!

 

---

 

 

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her

seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,

'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled,

thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden' she said

---

 

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....

 Fred goes to see the nurse. Fred said 'You won't laugh will you?'

 'Of  course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.  In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

  'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
 revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.   Length and
 width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

 Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

 Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her  feet and regain her
 composure.   'I am so sorry,' she   said. 'I don't know what came over me.
 On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now,
 tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

 'It's swollen,' Fred  replied.  

 

She ran out of the room.

---

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.









He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.




The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.

 

---

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on the leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says....

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep.....not a cow."

The guy replies, "...

If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

---

 

 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While the were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,”You can have her shipped home for €5.000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for €150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “  Why would you spend €5.000 to ship your wife home, and it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only €150?”  The man replied, “ Long  ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can’t take that chance

 

---

75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

 

---

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

 

---

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs .

 

---

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

---

 

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

 

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,

'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

 

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

---

 

 

Two sharks, a daddy shark and his son come across two Irishmen  in the water after falling out of a boat.

Daddy shark said to his son, “ we’ll swim around them three

times with the top of our fins above water”. When that was done  he said ,

“we’ll swim around three more times with our full fins

above water”. Then he said “ now eat them” and they ate them.                  

End of story.

 

Well, there’s another bit

The young shark said to daddy shark, “ why did we not eat

them  straight  away without  swimming around them”.

Daddy said, “ Human shit don’t taste good, it has to be

Frightened out of them first.

---

 

 

What food will KILL a woman's sex drive permanently?


A: WEDDING CAKE!

---

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

 

 

 

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.

BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BILLY SAYS: "WELL, IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

 

---

 

75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

---

A drunk is standing behind woman at the grocery store, in her basket are three cans of soup, various vegetables,

 some bread and assorted toiletries. The drunk taps her on the shoulder and says "Excuse me mam, let me guess, you're single aren't you?"

 The lady says "Why yes as a matter of fact I am? How could you possibly tell that from the groceries I'm purchasing?"

 And the drunk says "because you're ugly".

 

---

 

 

 

 

---

What I know about sex

 

 

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

  2. Nothing improves with age.

  3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,

     because it'll never be quite the same again.

  4. Sex has no calories.

  5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

  6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

  7. Sex appeal is 50% of what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

  8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

  9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

 12. Virginity can be cured.

 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

 17. It is always the wrong time of month.

 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

 22. The younger the better.

 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

 26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

 27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

 28. Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.

 29. Love is a hole in the heart.

 30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

 31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

 32. Do it only with the best.

 33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

 34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

 36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 38. Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.

 39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

 40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

 41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

 42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

 43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

 44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

 45. Never say no.

 46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

 47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

 48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

 49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

 50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

 51. Love comes in spurts.

 52. The world does not revolve on an axis.

 53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

 54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

 55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

 56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

 57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

 58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

 59. "This won't hurt, I promise."

P.S.  If you know more let me know quick.

---

Not what I learned in school

But things change as time go by.

 Mary had a little pig, 
She kept it fat and plastered; 
And when the price of pork went up, 
She shot the little bastard. 
********************

Mary had a little lamb. 
Her father shot it dead. 
Now it goes to school with her, 
Between two hunks of bread. 
******************** 

Jack and Jill went up the hill 
To have a little fun. 
Stupid Jill forgot the pill 
And now they have a son. 
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. 
Said Simple Simon to the pie man, 
'What have you got there?' 
Said the pie man unto Simon, 
'Pies, you dumb ass' !! 
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, 
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 
All the kings' horses, 
And all the kings' men. 
Had scrambled eggs, 
For breakfast again.. 
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, 
All over the bedside clock. 
The little dog laughed to see such fun. 
Then died of electric shock. 
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, 
Kissed the girls and made them cry. 
And when the boys came out to play, 
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. 
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl 
Right in the middle of her forehead. 
When she was good, she was very, very good. 
But when she was bad........ 
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. 

---

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.


The Doctor asks: "What happened?"


The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."


The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.

 When your husband comes home drunk,

just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

 Every time my husband came home drunk,

I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,

 and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"


The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all,

 it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"

---

For Dog Lovers

 

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear,

 so she took it to the veterinarian. 
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

  The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring,

 she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

 At the register, the pharmacist told her,

 "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
 
 The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
 
 The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

---

 

 

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"


"What a coincidence" said the farmer, "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."


"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.


"What a coincidence," said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he added,

"What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," said the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,

 but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said,

 

"What a coincidence."

---

 

 

 

A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"

He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly,

 "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO

LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

------------------------------------------------------------

Interviewer to Millionaire:

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman.

What were you before you
married her?

Millionaire: A Billionaire

-------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband:

"What do you like most in me - my pretty face

Or my sexy body?"

 

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

 "I like your sense of

humour."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Man to wife on wedding night:

"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"

Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

---

 

Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady  had been  pregnant for some time and now  the time had come.

He brought her to the   doctor and the doctor began to deliver the  baby.

She had a little boy, and the  doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey,   Murph! You just had you a  son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got  excited by this,

 but just then the doctor   spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't   finished  yet, !'

The doctor  then delivered a little girl.

He said,  'Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter, !!!!  She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy  got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor  said,

 'Hold on, we  aint got done yet,  !'

The doctor then delivered another boy  and said,

 Murph, you just had   yourself another boy, !'

Murphy  said to the doctor, 'Doc,

 what caused all of dem   babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You  never know Murph, it was probably something that  happened during  conception.'  

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during  conception.'

When Murph and his wife went  home with their three  children,

he sat  down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you  remember dat night

 that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1  Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I   remember dat night...'

Murph said,  'I'll tell you, ....

 

 

..it's a good thing we didn't  use WD-40.                          

---

LATEX GLOVES

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves..

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't,  she replied.

' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. '

She didn't crack a smile.

' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.

But, five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made!  

 

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

 

 

 

---

Bring Tommy Cooper Back

 

1.  Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2.  Phone answering machine message - '..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself. 11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'  'Is it common?'  'It's not  unusual.' 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'  'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'  'No, because he's  really heavy'. 14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15.  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin. 17. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b %@*%*# !' 18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 19. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.  The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore! 21.  Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

---

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he   asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his   bill, the    barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community    service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 
 

Then a   TD  came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The   TD  was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen TDs  lined up waiting for a free haircut. 
 

 

And that, my friends,

 illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. 
 

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN

AND FOR THE SAME    
REASON! 

---

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"


"What a coincidence" said the farmer, "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."


"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.


"What a coincidence," said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," said the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

 

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence."

---

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,

 the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe

I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,

 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home,

he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

 With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement

as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration. ....


'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

 

 

---

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