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Media Blackout

"Soylent Green is people." The entire film builds solely towards this statement. For those of you who haven't seen Soylent Green, I apologise. It's one of those statements that ruins a film if you hear it before actually seeing the film and recognising its context. Sort of like "****** is Kaiser Soze", ruins Usual Suspects or "He goes mad at the end and tries to kill his boss" ruins all of Chevy Chases' films.

Notice how I didn't complete the Usual Suspects' statement. You would have to be evil to use phrases like that in normal conversation. The Western world actually broke off all communication with Russia in the early fifties because Stalin kept calling people and spoiling the ends of films. The Soylent Green offence on my part isn't as bad for two reasons. Firstly, it's not exactly the best film ever that I'm spoiling, and secondly it's pretty well known that soylent products contain the dead friends of Charlton Heston.

Charlton Heston enjoying a snack

So, in general people don't say these kind of comments. But there are some people who do. Namely film critics, advertisers, and the leaders of the former USSR. The latter don't pose a great problem to the public anymore, but the others continue to spite mankind with their evility (only made-up words can stop them).


The whole concept of the film critic baffles me. I don't care what someone I don't know thinks about a film I haven't seen yet. Also, they hate big-budget movies like Independence Day, and instead tell people to go and see some arty Laosian film about coffin making which is only showing in one cinema in the entire world. But what really gets my goat (** first time Iv'e ever used that phrase **) is that they don't just give their opinion, they insist on explaining the whole story from start to finish. They may as well just sit and read the script to us.

The best movie shows don't have critics. They have presenters who just read stuff given to them by the film makers. No opinions, no in-depth analysis, basically just advertising and multiple choice competitions where the correct answer is underlined and the other two answers are both "Donald Duck". They show some clips of a film and an interview with Brendan Fraiser, regardless of whether he is in the film or not, and then when it's released on video in a couple of months they just show the same stuff again. Simple but effective.


The criticless movie show is not perfect however. Too many clips. After seeing enough (ie. too many) of them, you can piece together the whole story of a film. Unless it's a Pauly Shore film, because of the random order of the scenes in his work ( ** another first: "his work" referring to things what Pauly Shore done ** ). What truely suffer are amazing acts done by characters in films, like Laurence Fishburne jumping from one building to another in the Matrix. Because they're impressive they are shown in those ads which have about two hundred clips squeezed into thirty seconds, during which the TV looks kinda like a strobe light. When you actually witness these incredable actions in the cinema, you've already seen them twenty times. Instead of a "WOW!" reaction, it's more of a "I remember that" one.

a moving performance

This is where the advice starts. Don't listen to critics, Don't watch the good movie shows, Don't watch ads on TV, Don't watch music videos for songs from films, Don't watch interviews with the cast or with Brendan Fraiser, During previews at the cinema close your eyes and cover your ears (stupid-looking, but effective) and don't visit the set of a film, steal the directors hat and hit him with it until he tells you how his film ends (Avoid this with Quentin Tarentino especially, because he'll just start swearing like a docker, whose just been stabbed by another docker and fired by his boss).


The first time I did this was accidental. There was virtually no hype for Stargate when it was released. I new nothing about it when I went to see it, and it kicked the proverbial ass. When they went through the stargate I didn't know where they would arrive. Actual non-shark related suspense. Goldeneye. If you haven't seen it stop reading until you see one of these "***". STOP.

Yahoo! random link

Okay, At the beginning Bond thinks Alec is dead, but we know he's not because on all the ads he's laughing evily and claiming to have more money than God. If you didn't see the ads you would assume it showed his death at the beginning to establish a whole vendetta thing between Bond and that Russian guy. It's supposed to be surprising when he turns up and gives Bond an excuse to display his ample knowledge of Roman mythology.

*** Tomorrow Never Dies. To prevent the Goldeneye situation developing again I avoided all contact with Tomorrow Never Dies stuff. Going into the cinema all I knew was who was in the cast, Jonathan Pryce has alot of TVs, and at some point Pierce Brosnan says,"The name's Bondt, James Bondt." I think he likes to throw in a 't'. It was excellent.

That's it.

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