Aviation Related Humor
NOTE some of the jokes may contain language that is offensive to some people. The latest additions will be at the top.
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Dublin to New York one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus!" said Paddy "Will ye look at how frigin short dat runway is". "You're not flippin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'da trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not flippin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus, When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye, put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes, as hard as ye can" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary, with all a' your soul" said Paddy, "I'm be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes, and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt, centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gotta be de shortest frigin runway I have EVER seen, in me whole life". Shamus looked out his side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how flippin wide it is".
One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hitch-hiking hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin was boiling with smoke.
The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the cabin. 'Gentlemen,' he began, 'I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!' With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. 'Gentlemen,' he said, 'I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!' With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door out into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, 'Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute too.' He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. 'My son,' he said, 'I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.'
The hippie smiled slowly and said, 'Hey, don't worry Pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!'
a.... Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
b.... If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
c.... Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
d.... It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
e.... The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
f.... The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
g.... When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
h.... A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
i.... Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
j.... You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
k.... The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
l.... Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
m.... Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
o.... There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
p.... You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
q.... Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
r.... If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
s.... In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
t.... Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
u.... It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
v.... Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
w.... Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
x.... The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Air Force Maintenance List
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "No.2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution: "No.2 Propeller seepage normal - No.1, No.3 and No.4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode." (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."
Problem: "Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky too you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "and get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky, but still no coffee. Un-accustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot, have been wrenched up, and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to him and says, "for someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard !"
The Difference Between Airplanes and Women:
An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something really is, Wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.
Pierre The French Xair Pilot
One warm and beautiful spring day Pierre and his lovely girlfriend were sitting alongside the River Seine in Paris enjoying a picnic lunch.
After lunch, Pierre became aroused and decided to entice Marie into a little fourplay. As they were kissing, Marie became increasingly excited and she said to Pierre, "Oh Pierre kiss me." So Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine from the basket and pours it on Marie's lips and she asks, "Why do you do this strange thing Pierre?" He calmly and smoothly replies. "My name is Pierre the French Xair Pilot and when I have red meat, I like to have red wine."
As Marie is becoming more and more aroused she says, "Oh Pierre kiss me lower!" To which Pierre obliges her and begins to kiss on her breasts. Without hesitation Pierre reaches for the basket and pulls out a bottle of white wine and pours it on her breasts. "Why Pierre?" she asks, to which he calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Xair Pilot and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine."
She cannot hold herself back any longer and she tells him, "Oh Pierre kiss me lower!" Suddenly Pierre pulls out a bottle of Cognac, pours it on her bush and lights it on fire. Marie screams at the top of her lungs, "Why Pierre, why?" To which Pierre calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Xair Pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames."!!
An American pilot flying a Gulfie 11 was approaching Dublin Airport, Ireland, obviouslly
for the first time, and he contacted Dublin Centre to enquire about visibility at the
airport. The controller confirmed that the visibility was fine.
Some five minutes later the Gulfie pilot called again and asked for confirmation that the visibility at Dublin was good and the controller reassured him that Dublin was clear, with no fog.
A third request from the American seeking an update on the visibility at Dublin and the presence of any fog was met by an initial stoney silence, followed by:
"November Blank Blank Blank....Dublin Airport never get's foggy....UNLESS IT'S VERY BADLY PROVOKED!"
A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the
hanger at Heathrow; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they do, get smashed, and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"Did you fart yet?"
"Did you FART yet??"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Glasgow!!"
A young woman walked into a police station and said she had been raped by a pilot . When she was asked how she knew it was a pilot she said "Well he had a big watch, a little dick and couldn't stop talking about himself"
The pilot of the light aircraft called ground control for taxi instructions. When he set his altimeter it showed his aircraft to be several feet below the surface! He immediately informed the tower, (thinking, I've got you this time, Ha.), the quick thinking ground controller responded, without hesitation, "Roger, up periscope and continue taxiing!"
A journalist was doing an report on the reputed sexual prowess of Naval aviators. As part of her investigation she was interviewing an older captain, supposedly one of the most 'active' of all the pilots. The journalist asked, "When was the last time you had sex?" "Nineteen fifty-six," the captain responded after some thought. "Excuse me sir, but from what everyone says about your abilities, that sure seems like a long time since you've had sex" the journalist responded. The captain shrugged. "Well, it's only twenty thirty-three now," he said, checking his watch.
A Scotsman and his wife were out driving one day and came upon a sign at a local airport: "Airplane rides: £10". Out of curiosity, they went up to the pilot, and he invited them to ride in his plane for £10. But the Scotsman declined, not wanting to spend the money. The pilot, being somewhat of a Soft Touch said: "I will give you the ride free, if you sit back there and say nothing during my entire flight. But if you speak, you pay me the £10." The Scotsman thought he could do that, so he and his wife got into the back seat together.
Off they went, with the pilot giving them his entire aerobatic routine. They did loops, outside loops, snap rolls, split "S's" Immelman turns, even Lomcevaks, but not a word from the backseat.
When they landed, the pilot hopped out, grinning and said to the Scotsman, "Well, sir, you did very well, you sat back there during my extreme aerobatic routine and didn't say a word." Whereupon the Scotsman said: "Well, I almost did, when Mable fell out."
On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class,
"Mame, I'm affraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket."
The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first
officer - who came and said, "Mame, I'm affraid you'll have to move into the coach
section since you have a coach ticket".
To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."
After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.
Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain -
"I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach."
To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"
After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers:
"The turbulance we passed through was rough, but we are through it now."
The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."
An Air Hostess in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.
As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer dear!"
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his sleigh. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm the CTO from the BMAA, and this is a unscheduled Re-avalidation Flight Test. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the BMAA officer brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the CTO grumbled, "You're going to lose two engines after takeoff..."
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.
In the Future airplanes will be flown by a pilot and a dog.
The dog's job is to bite the pilot whenever he touches anything and the pilot's job is to feed the dog.
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I dont see the bear yet."
What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--the same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with that Guy flying the twin?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a pilot."
A new mother boarded the aeroplane with her little infant, Very proudly gracing her way to her seat...and settling in.. she uncovers the infant's head..
Pasanger seated next to her said, 'Lady, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen, IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A MONKEY!'
The new mother became extremely upset and started crying... The Flight attendant heard the lady crying and walked over to console her.
Flight Attendant: Ma'm may I get something for you? Coffee, tea, milk, or a banana for your monkey?
257, Do you have Charlie? Tower, 257, Negative, we left him back at the hanger! 257, Do you have Echo? Tower, 257, Negative, recieving you loud and clear! 257, Do you have Hotel? Tower, 257, Negative, We are staying with friends! 257, Do you have Juliet? Tower, 257, Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife! 257, Do you have Mike? Tower, 257, Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset! 257, Do you have Oscar? Tower, 257, Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year! 257, Do you have Papa? Tower, 257, Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week! 257, Do you have Romeo? Tower, 257, Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo? 257, Do you have Uniform? Tower, 257, Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt! 257, Do you have Victor? Tower, 257, Negative, Who is Victor? 257, Do you have Xray? Tower, 257, Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan! 257, Do you have Whiskey? Tower, 257, Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?
From Pilot Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. True Story